I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
