im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
