And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
