AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
