if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
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He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
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The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I need to sanitize my soul.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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