he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
