it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
My ATM looks so different sober.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
