I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
