Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
