If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
