His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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