You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
