i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
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