Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
