look no pants
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
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