um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
