Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
