I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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