so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
