hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
