I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
