I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
