sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
