Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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