we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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