I think I won the penis lottery.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
