I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
We left the knife in your bed.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
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