my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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