i already hear my dad disowning me
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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