Will you blow on my dice?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
