If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
