I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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