I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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