I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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