it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
