I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
