sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
