just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Another day, another engagement, another cat
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
