John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
