his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
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I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just had sex on a roof
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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