i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
