it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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