he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
