he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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