Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Someone signed my nipple.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
