If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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