What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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