I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
