I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Randomize
