we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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