Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
