chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
