It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
