When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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