my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
